Spoonie Fatherhood Part 3: you’re now a dad with a chronic illness!
The day Julia arrived into this world, everything changed! What a cliche thing to say, right? But it’s true. After 9 long months, 30 hours of labor, and then a c-section, we got to hold our baby girl.
It was a long road to get to this point, but when the moment arrived it quickly became a memory that I will never forget, and one of the greatest moments in my life. I’ll always remember the nurse calling me over, seeing our little girl, and the first thing she ever did with me, was reaching out and grabbing my finger.
This was the moment I realized I was monumentally screwed and she had me. I was done.
But still, there was a lot to learn and adjust to in a very short amount of time now. A little human depended on us for EVERYTHING. It was our purpose to keep her alive every single day, to make sure she was taken care of, to make sure she was healthy.
One of the thoughts I had was that I not only needed to do everything I could to make sure she was okay, but I also needed to do everything I needed to do to ensure I was healthy for her. What kind of dad would I be if I wasn’t healthy enough to be around?
Still, the biggest priority was to be the best father and husband possible. I learned very quickly that this was not going to be possible for me early on. I was going to have to adjust to an entirely new way of life. This would consist of a juggling act of taking care of my family, taking care of my daughter, and of course taking care of myself as well.
So what are some tips I wish I could go back and give myself in the first months or even year of being a father? Here you go…
Listen & Learn
There are certain people in this world that are meant to be parents. They know what to do before day one begins…this was not me, and I knew this. What I did know is that I would figure it out, but it would take some time.
During this time, I had to listen to and learn from everyone around me. Take in all the advice they could give me and slowly begin to implement it in my life so that I could quickly adjust to what was on my plate now. The knowledge you can get from others who are right by your side can be priceless.
On top of this, ask questions. You’ll be stumped on how to do certain things and the only way to pick up on specifics that you need to know is to ask. Don’t try to stumble through and force things to make them work. Especially when others can guide you.
Give Yourself Time
Breaking news, you aren’t going to be a perfect father from day one. Living with a chronic illness is a 24/7 job already, then we add another 24/7 job to keep a baby alive. I don’t think there is any first time father that jumps in and is an All-Star from the start.
Personally, it took a lot of time to balance the things I needed to do in order to stay healthy and everything I needed to do for my family. At first, I actually prioritized sticking to the routines I had prior to being a dad. I figured I could be a dad around everything I already needed for my own self-care.
Now I learned that there are ways to juggle most of what needs to be done in a day, and if needed, I can adjust or leave out certain tasks that might not be high on my list that day, or that can be skipped. It took time to adapt to doing this, but after some time and not putting pressure on myself, I believe I’ve figured it out a little more.
You’re Going to screw up
I’m not perfect and neither are you. Being a Spoonie father isn’t easy. You’re going to do things that are upsetting to your kid at times, you’re going to do things that are upsetting to your partner, and you’re going to do things that are upsetting to yourself.
Don’t beat yourself up too much though. This is a process and if you think you’re not going to make mistakes, you’re delusional. Being a father is tough for those who are healthy. Being a father with a chronic illness is another level of difficult.
If you go into this journey thinking that you’ll be perfect and others aren’t going to be mad at you sometimes, you’re mistaken. I dropped the ball early on many times because I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to prioritize, I didn’t know how to make time to get everything done.
And I still drop the ball today. I’ve learned that I can’t be perfect at being a father and husband, BUT if I make consistent effort and show it’s shown that I’m trying, that goes a long way.
There you go, three more tips that I would’ve given myself going into the start of this chapter in life, and three tips that I can now pass along to other Spoonie fathers who will have an enormous amount of change in their life as well.
I wish I had some of this advice in advance of being a father and I hope this can help some other parents out there.
What’s next in this Spoonie Fatherhood series? Germs, your kid getting sick, and you getting sick too. Something every parent deals with, but even more so for Spoonies and those with compromised immune systems.
