Spoonie Fatherhood Part 1: So You’re Going To be a dad with a chronic illness
I walk into my home, my wife is waiting for me, and she had left a gift bag on the table. She’s smiling and I know something is up. I’m wondering, what could be in the bag. Clearly it’s asurprise gift, and who doesn’t like one of those.
I peer down into the bag which is stuffed with paper, rummage around with my hands a bit, and feel something long and narrow, almost like a pen. I grab it, pull it out, and it’s a pregnancy test with two blue lines signaling that we are about to have our first baby.
My jaw dropped and wave of emotions came over my entire body and mind. The range of thoughts was overwhelming and I couldn’t believe after everything I’ve been through, I was going to get the chance to be a DAD.
I was beyond happy, words couldn’t describe how thrilled I was but there were so many other emotions as well.
Fear about what kind of dad I was going to be.
Nerves about how I was going to be able to handle everything my wife and I were about to go through.
And TERROR, about what it was going to be like living with a chronic illness and all that I was going to have to manage now.
These were just a few of the feelings that come to mind as I reflect back on this point of the journey that we’ve been on. In the end, I knew it would not only be fine, but I would be both a good father and husband.
What I learned quickly though, this would take some time to adjust to.
So let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves and think about how the first few months of pregnancy was. And I say pregnancy like my wife and I both went through it, because it many ways we did.
Yes, I know there are a few things in this world that a guy doesn’t get much applause for at all. On our wedding day, it’s all about our bride/wife. Everyone’s eyes are on her, and rightfully so. And the same goes for pregnancy, all eyes will be on what she’s going through.
But it’s not an easy time for both sides of this equation. There is so much to do for the husband as well, not only physically to be there for our partners but mentally to prepare for what’s ahead too. During this period, we have to process how life is about to change drastically in just a matter of months.
So what was this period like for me for a chronic illness and what did I learn? Here you go…
Be On Alert
Pregnancy is an extremely difficult time for both the husband and the wife. There is an enormous amount going on and it will be quite the roller coaster with highs and lows, both on the physical side and the mental side. It’s so important to be there for your partner as this is all magnified for her.
I was on alert and felt like a doctor with a pager on his hip in 1999. If my wife wanted something, I wanted to do everything I could to make it easier for her. My goal was to be there for her in every way I can.
I was on the ready and if a bat signal went up into the sky, I knew the quickest and most direct actions to get things taken care of, was the best way to handle the challenges we had. So be on alert and be ready for ANYTHING.
Be Prepared
When living with a chronic illness, I always suggest being prepared. The more in advance you have things ready, the less stress you’ll have, the less stress you have the better your health will be.
The journey of being a good partner during pregnancy is greatly helped by being prepared. Anything you can do to make life easier is key. Think ahead of what you’ll need during this process. This isn’t just to take care of your other half also, this is to take care of yourself too.
I had snacks ready, I had hydration ready, I had a variety of things planned a few days ahead, this way I was prepared, and I could handle whatever was going to happen. Life is hard enough with the challenges we face as Spoonies, do what you can to make your life easier during this time.
Don’t Panic
So you’re going to be scared, terrified, like category 5 hurricane is coming, and there is nothing you can do to avoid it. But don’t worry too much. There is something about being a parent, and you figure it out. You have to, another life depends on it.
I had no idea what to do. My wife was the one who I knew would be a pro at parenting. AND I MEAN SHE IS A PRO! IT’S AMAZING TO WATCH! I was going to be along for the ride and figure things out on the fly pretty much. The fear I had in my heart was enormous but I did what I could to learn in advance, take In knowledge from friends and family who have already been through it all.
Before I knew it, I had a good grasp for what was ahead. And I quickly learned this was going to be a long journey, much longer than any marathon or IRONMAN I’ve completed. Panicking doesn’t help. So take a deep breath, look around at your support network, and know it’ll all be okay in the end.
Well, there you have it. Some advice I would’ve given myself the days and weeks after finding out that I was going to actually be a father. I can’t ever tell someone what they’ll go through when they find out they’re going to be a father with a chronic illness. These are just some things that I went through.
But with most things in life, I’m not reinventing the wheel, and if I’m going through it someone else is too.
I’m not sure what’s up next for me as a dad. Julia is now turning 18 months and before I know it she’ll be a teenager.
I do know what’s up next in this series of blog posts though, and that’s sharing what it was like in the final months right before our little Peanut arrived. Stay tuned. There is much more to come.
